It's Outta Hand

Last year I remember saying, "I hate Christmas - I just want to get it over with as soon as possible!"

That was the first sign our family needed to do something different.

Funny thing is... I think we were pretty tame comparatively speaking. We talked a little about Santa and a lot about Jesus, limited how many gifts we gave the kids (which always looks crazy when multiplied by four), we got up every Christmas morning and sang and visited with the nursing home residents while they ate breakfast. Not too bad, really.

I think the part of Christmas I don't enjoy has more to do with the atmosphere in general. The stores drive me crazy. They are salivating over our money. And, I can just feel the tension in the air as the shoppers around me are trying to find the perfect gift and stressing about how much money they are spending. They decide to just not think about it until January - but that doesn't really work.

I can't blame it all on others though. Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Christ. I have bought into the idea of using this time to show how much we care about our loved ones with a great gift. There was some kind of explanation about Jesus being a gift and we show our love by giving gifts to others. It was something like that - I don't remember. All I remember is that I bought it.

I do agree we need to express how much we care about our loved ones.

Every single day of the year.

We have chosen to put more thought into our gifts. Tony and I are working on some projects with the kids to give this year. I have to admit - it would be a lot easier to go buy something in the store. But, even though it is taking more thought, more time, (and maybe even more money by the time we get all of the supplies), I am less stressed out and am enjoying the the time we are spending working together on this.

The kids are having fun, too. Bonus!

They are excited about using some of our Christmas budget this year to put toward drilling a well for those who don't have access to clean water. I was amazed at this video when it compared how much money we spend at Christmas to how much it would take to offer clean water to everyone.

It reminds me of when Moses threw me off guard in this post. I still don't thank God for my water. Well, I did just now because I was just thinking about it. But, not on a daily (or weekly) basis.

I think I will be watching this video regularly throughout the Christmas season just to keep myself in the right mindset. I hope I don't cave and run to Walmart December 23rd and get into a fight over the last Tickle Me Elmo! (am I dating myself?)

Turn, Turn, Turn

There are so many emotions involved in going through the adoption process. Sometimes even conflicting emotions at the same time. Fortunately, I can cling to God and His Word to give me the strength to not only cope during this time, but to soar through and triumph. His Word is so full of wisdom and encouragement!

As I was reading today, I almost skimmed over the first 8 verses in Ecclesiastes 3. I have read through this section many times. I know generally what it says. Incidentally, I cannot read this section without getting this song stuck in my head -



Is it just me?

Fortunately, I thought I should probably skip the Byrd's interpretation and read what God actually said. I'm so glad I did this because He really did point something out to me that will help me get through one of the struggles I am having in this process.

I am finding my emotions swinging back and forth between not having any connection with the child God has planned for our family, and getting frustrated that I don't know anything about this child and wanting to just go get him so I can take care of him.

This verse struck me -

Ecclesiastes 3:5b

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing

I think this is my time to refrain from embracing. I can pray for our child and know that he is in God's hands. He is right where God wants him for now. God will allow me to hold him and take care of him at the perfect time.

My time would be now - but my time is not God's perfect time.

That has been one of the big lessons during this process - learning to give up what I think would be best and to trust that God's way is best.

Wanting this on God's terms will make it so much sweeter when He decides it is my time to embrace.

Saying Goodbye

Our family will be saying goodbye to Moses this week.

I can't even type that without tearing up.

How am I going to help him pack his bags? How am I going to get through our last dinner together? How am I going to look him in the eyes and say goodbye as he leaves for Liberia?

I want to be strong for him and express confidence to him that I trust our Father has him in His hands and everything is going to be alright.

I don't know if me being a sobbing mess with red eyes and a running nose will convey that message of confidence to him.

I absolutely know that Moses is in God's hand and He will take care of him.

But, goodbyes are still hard.

I'm not envious of Tony anymore. I get to say goodbye and then cower at home and cry in the privacy of my own home. Tony has to say goodbye in front of an entire orphanage full of kids just like Moses. And, he gets to leave them all behind.

How is he going to do that?

But - despite the tears, I do have confidence that God is working big and mighty things through all of this. God has made it clear to Tony and me that we are to get off our rears and do something for Him. We don't know exactly what that is yet, but we are waiting expectantly. I have a feeling when God reveals what He wants us to do, we are going to fly off our seats. We are so ready!

I would love to get a God's eye view of Moses' trip to America. I know how He used Moses to change Tony's and my hearts. I would love to see all the ways God has used this trip to work in everyone's lives that Moses touched. I have to say - that boy got around. I have had friends tell me that they had a friend that met Moses while they were at a cousin's boyfriend's sister's neighbor's house. It was crazy! Talk about six degrees of separation.

And, every one of those friends had the same little smile on their face when they talked about meeting him.

No one can convince me that God did not work through Moses while he was in America.

I am praying for that work to continue.

I can't sit around and just watch as our world falls into self-centerness. I don't want that for my children. I want them to see the needs in our world and know that they can do something to help. Not fix the world's problems, just do something to help.

If we don't give of ourselves, we just get absorbed in ourselves.

God says where people are heading in 2 Timothy 3:2-5:

"For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people."

It looks to me that our world is already there. God says that's the way it is. I can't stop it. But, I can resist that for myself and guide my children to avoid that kind of lifestyle.

I think the most effective way to do that is to allow God to work through me as I focus on loving others and reaching out beyond myself. There are so many ways to do that. My heart is specifically burdened for those living in poverty. One friend of mine is burdened for the planned parenthood building that is being constructed here in Houston. Another friend shared her burden for the girls who are being sold as sex slaves. All of these issues need to be addressed. God will lay on your heart where He wants you to reach out. And, we can pray for all of them.

God will turn your whole world upside down, if you let Him. It will fill your heart with a joy that cannot be replaced by anything in this world.

I have to warn you, though.

It will involve lots of tears.

I Can't Go Back

I was just sharing with a friend recently that I have realized that my focus has been very narrow as I have been working on growing as a Christian. I have spent my energy on trusting God and giving Him control of my life. I thought a strong Christian was someone who could rest in God's peace through hard times, even when they could see they were not going to get their way. I thought if I can have that kind of faith, then I'll be a strong Christian. That kind of faith is important. It's hard to give up my own will. To die to self. I will never stop growing in this area, because I will never have it down perfectly.

Trusting God with my life is vital. But, if that is all I work on as a Christian then I am only working on me.

God talks a whole lot about others.

I can't see others when I am only concerned about me.

God has shown me the world with new eyes. A part of me wants to go back. I think of the expression - Ignorance is Bliss. But, that's not where God wants me. He doesn't want me living in my bubble, pretending I can write a check here and there and play like there is not suffering in the world.

There's no going back, now.

I have been a fan of Sara Groves' music for a long time. I always thought she could express through music exactly how I felt in many of her songs. Well, now she's taken it a step further.

Sara Groves expresses her need to learn more about those suffering in our world beautifully here. An excerpt from saragroves.com:

“I believe God invites us to add to the beauty of his plan, letting us participate in his redemptive work. But I found myself asking, ‘How have I applied this idea?' I had groomed and groomed and groomed my personal faith, but to what end?”

I think she took the words right out of my mouth.

I love that I can't go back. I love that my heart is broken. I love that God wants to include me in His plan.

And, I love this song:

Beautiful!

Where is My Treasure?

I've always heard, "One man's trash is another man's treasure". I would usually think of it in reference to garage sales. I've never really thought of it when thinking about the poor. Those who don't have anything.

That thought came today.

We have a room devoted to our school and we have an important rule - No Playing in the Schoolroom!

For some reason - like me letting it happen - that rule goes out the window on Christmas and Summer break. The room becomes the kids' craft haven. Paint and little scraps of paper cover the floor and since I'm on break too, I just let it go.

Then, I have a big clean out day when it's time to get back on track.

That was today.

So, back to the trash.

Like - several bags of trash.

I had visions of orderly bookshelves and school supplies all in their labeled containers in my head. I didn't notice that Moses had come up with everyone to see what was going on. As I put something in the trash, he would inspect it, sometimes removing it and taking it to his desk. He finally mentioned that I was throwing good stuff away.

I was throwing good stuff away.

Little notebooks with a few pages marked, crayons, little toys, stickers.

Some of it was trash, like dried out markers, but a lot of it was perfectly usable. My problem was that we had tons of it and I was tired of finding places for it all. The stuff was still good, but used just enough that I wouldn't want to give it away. In America, nobody would want it.

Moses took several things and said he wanted it, or he would take it for the small children. I wanted to send everything in the room with him.

Through Moses, God is teaching me to open my eyes. He is gently showing me the areas that I am taking for granted. I think one reason I don't think too much about this stuff, is that the stuff is not my treasure. But, I think I would miss it if all of it were gone. Maybe just the excess stuff is not my treasure. hmmm...

I remember to thank God for my family and our good health. But, I probably take most of my life for granted. I assume it's all going to be here tomorrow and I even complain that it's too much to keep track of.

I am thankful for this new perspective. We don't need to bring so much stuff into our house. We need to turn our focus outward to others' needs. Others that have true needs - like food and clean water needs.

God has really laid it on our family's hearts to look after the orphans and the widows. It's pretty plain and clear right there in His Word. These people are so important to Him; and if they are important to Him, I want to make them important to me. I can't believe it took me so long to see this.

James 1:27 - "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."

Something's Not Quite Right

When I opened this page up, I found the colors are in the wrong places and it's missing some of it's pieces. It may be fixed by the time you see it.

When I noticed it, I thought to myself, "hmmm, sometimes that's how I feel, too."

It's true.

Sometimes, I feel like my color is a little off, something is just not right, or I'm missing some pieces.

I am kind of in that mode right now. My schedule is off. Each day, it seems like I wake up and try to think of what I need to get done. There is no plan, so there is no rhyme or reason to what I decide is getting done. Then, I feel behind when I realize there were some other things I probably should have prioritized above what I did. Does that make sense???

I do really well when I have our schedules planned and I'm working on a well thought out to-do list. Our days run little more smoothly when I'm in that mode. Notice I did not say everything runs smoothly. That would be impossible. But, that's where I really like to be.

Now, I just need to get myself there. It takes a plan. And, it takes time.

Since it's summer, our schedule is pretty loose, so I have the time. Somehow, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around getting it all sorted out, so the plan is where I am getting caught up.

It seems like it should be so easy. I have folders full of cleaning schedules and meal plans that I know have worked for our family in the past. We have used them successfully. Why can't I just start using them again and move on?

I have known I have to get back on track for a while now.

I'll start today.

And, to think it all started with some messed up blog colors. Who said blogging is a waste of time? It looks like blogging is getting my rear in gear!

I'm Jealous.

Tony announced yesterday that he talked to our pastor and is planning on going to Africa when they take Moses home.

I want to go.

But - I don't want to leave our kids here while both of their parents take off to Africa. Remember the Mad About You episode where Paul and Jaime were trying to fly to a wedding, but they had to take separate planes? That way, one of them would still be there for their daughter if one of the planes crashed.

Yes - I think like that, too.

I know it's silly.

But, that's not why I am not going. They have a great group of guys all going over there to see the orphanage and school. Moses is sooooo excited that Tony is going to go with him. He was giddy at dinner last night and told Tony all the kids were going to jump on him when he got there. It was really great to see Moses that happy.

Moses has started telling us that he does not want to go back to Africa. It breaks my heart. I am praying that if God wants a family to adopt him, they will be obedient to that call. Tony and I have been praying, and God has really been showing us it is not our family.

I keep reading about how it can be really hard for the first-born (Tate) when a family adopts an older child. I can see that. It would be hard getting demoted as the oldest.

Also, Bear is doing much better and has started talking to him and playing with him, but she's really having to work at it. If she feels uncomfortable with him, how can we bring him in permanently? She would probably get used to it over time, but that is a lot to ask of a little girl.

All of the kids have started asking Tony and me to have another baby, though. Tony asked them if they would like us to adopt, and they were just as thrilled with that possibility. I think the key is that the new sibling would be younger than Bear.

So, we are doing our research. And, saving our pennies. (There's a big reason I am not going to Africa). It looks like Liberia's government has shut down their adoptions for now as they make some changes to the laws. They say it should open up soon, but we'll see.

We have to do something.

I always knew something about Africa having starving children, but for some reason I did not realize I could help. These kids are desperate for help. These parents are desperate for help. When I used to think of Africa, I thought of people living lives just like us, only with less stuff. And, sometimes needing to go to a food center to get help with food.

Now that I have started paying attention, I see that there is horrific stuff going on over there. Things we don't even worry about. That makes sense. Crime and poverty seem to go hand in hand. These people have to worry that someone will break into their homes and kill them at any time. Not to mention lack of medical care, an 80% unemployment rate, and many other things we take for granted. What a horrible way to have to live!

I read the Story of the Starfish in Tom Davis' book, Fields of the Fatherless, and it gave me a new perspective about what I can do to help. I can't do everything, but I can do something.

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”~ Helen Keller

Tony gave a review of the Fields of the Fatherless book on his site, if you want to check it out. It really is a good reminder of our need to be compassionate.

We'll see where this adoption process is going. I am amazed at how God works, and He is always full of surprises!

Is This My Reward?

Am I dreaming? Look at the afternoon temperature on my car! Sorry the picture's blurry, so I will read it for you - sixty-eight degrees! Granted, we have had thunderstorms and a little hail every afternoon to get here, but I'm not complaining. If you don't know about me complaining, just read here. No more complaining for me!

I would like to think that God is rewarding me with cooler weather after getting over my temper tantrum with Him; but, I have a feeling all of Houston's weather does not depend on me learning a lesson. Oh, we would definitely be in trouble is that were the case!

Attitude Adjustment

My kids have Hebrews 13:5 memorized:

"Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'."

How can they not have it memorized? It's the verse I tell them every time they start complaining about not having something they want. It's my proof that I am right and they are wrong, because I have scripture to back up what I say. That's a great feeling for moms being able to back yourself up with God's Word, instead of just saying, "because I said so". I can tell them, "God said it, not me, so you can't argue!"

heh! It shuts them down them every time!

But, this time it was my lesson. And a more appropriate scripture verse for me would probably be Phil 4:11:

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content."

Excuse me?

Did that say in whatever situation I am to be content?

But what about when I don't like the situation?

Here comes the lesson.

I was leaving swim lessons with the kids at 3:00 in the afternoon. In Texas. In June. When I got in the car - the hot car - the temperature caught my attention. It was 98 degrees outside. Immediately, I started complaining to God in my head. Not really complaining. More like griping, and complaining, and whining.

God, why do You have me living in Texas? I do not like being hot. I don't like to sweat. I have to spend half of every year trying to figure out how to stay indoors. This really stinks! But - I don't want to move. So, if You have to put me in Texas, why can't You make me like it??? I have friends that say they love the heat. You made me - why couldn't You have made me like the heat when You knew I was going to live in it?

Then, I start thinking of all the things I complain about (mainly in my head - to God) and it's a long list. Yardwork, exercising, pretty much anything outdoors while it's hot. Notice all of these things involve sweating. Gross.

But, I have friends that talk about loving all of these things. How can they love these things?

Then, I think - Maybe they don't love these things. Maybe they choose to love these things that they can't do anything about anyway. Maybe God would like me to choose to love the life He has chosen for me.

I pray for God to use me to glorify Him. I want to surrender my life to Him. I try not to hold on too tightly to material things. But, how is God supposed to work in my life when I am so busy complaining about what I don't like? What about all the things I love? Why can't I focus on those things? God wants me to be thankful for the life He has blessed me with. I know how I feel when I do something nice for my kids and they start finding things to complain about.

From now on, I choose to love summers in Texas because that is part of the gift God chose for me. I am thankful for the life He has blessed me with. I don't want to waste my time thinking of how He could make it better.

There are many, many verses on being thankful. Just one to think on for now is I Thess 5:18:

"give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."